How weird is life for the Towers Of London in 2007? First off, your singer Donny Tourette is the only thing worth watching in the opening Big Brother show, an unruly combination of John Lydon circa “I’m A Celebrity”, Sid Snot and something out of the Beano. Less than 48 hours later, he’s bolted over the wall to avoid having to hang out with “that moron” Jade Goody in what now looks like a prediction Nostradamus would be proud of. Upon his exit, he and the band become omnipresent in high society watering holes all over the capitol, staggering around with It Girls and minor league celebrities and scrapping with bouncers, in turn making four or five visits to the gossip columns a day. Apart from one badly reviewed gig, the last thing anyone seemed to know about the Towers was whether they were any good or not.
Well, it seems that at least one person was keenly listening to their debut album, “Blood, Sweat & Towers”. Henry Charles Albert David Mountbatten-Windsor, aka Prince Harry, has declared his love for the Towers of London. There is little surprise there – after all, the kid was wearing a Sid Vicious style Swastika armband when the Towers were still knocking around as The Tourettes. This week, Harry, the 3rd in line to the throne, is reported to have ordered his henchmen to invite the Towers to” exclusive London nightspot” Mahiki (speciality – a £100 cocktail served in a diver’s helmet) last week so he could meet them. According to The Daily Star (obviously the font of all knowledge), Towers guitarist The Rev said, "We were just told to be there. Then we were introduced to Harry and he told me how much he likes us. He thinks we're top. He spent the evening calling himself the Prince of Punk."
And it’s at this point that the plot thins. First off, it’s reported that Donny is now trying to hit on Harry’s cousin, Princes Beatrice, 5th in line to the throne. Next up, it’s reported that Harry is shipping off to patrol the Iraq border as part of the Blues and Royals regiment of the Household Cavalry.
So, putting the absolute insanity of it all aside, what are the prospects here, what’s our money on first? Donny is reported to be keen to woo Beatrice, something he thinks he can do if he befriends Harry. Harry is going to fight for His Mum and Country overseas. So what the chances of A) Towers Of London being the first Western rock band to play in war torn Iraq at Harry’s behest, entertaining the troops like some kind of modern day Bob Hope revue (Manic Street Preachers in Cuba was one thing, this is potentially seismic in comparison!) or B) Donny Tourette potentially becoming 5th in line to the Throne? The Towers song “(I Could Be) King” suddenly takes on horrifying new precedence. The idea of these men, potentially the future of the monarchy (allow me to dream here), could be sat in Basra knocking back mind boggling Tiki cocktails, gobbing on the floor and swearing like troopers, is so far beyond comprehension, that just for a minute, the idea of creating a British Republic gets less and less enticing – I for one would rather see how all this pans out before getting too excitable about any kind of significant constitutional reform. Lord willing (well, his dad and his brother both somehow stepping out of the way to allow this flight of fantasy to happen), we may yet see King Harry with head consort Donny Tourette at his side, pissed up on rum, strutting round in Phil The Greek’s evening wear, flicking fags off the balcony whilst blasting “Neat Neat Neat” and Sham 69’s greatest hits out of the Palace windows, “We’re goin’ down the pub” the new national anthem.