Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Socialism’s Honorary Socialites List 2006

You may have read about the NME's annual 'Cool List' being published this week, and, as every year, amongst the great and the good, the list is peppered with the usual motley assortment of idiots that you'd rather bite your way out of a barbed wire prison than spend 2 seconds in the company of. This year, we sat and painstakingly researched (i.e. we sat in the park drinking bottles of cider hidden from the world in brown paper bags) an 'alternative' list, one we felt represented the true geniuses of our age, in many cases the ones that get away every year when a quiet news week comes along and yr stuck for a way to fill ten pages. So, here, we salute the Socialites - each one welcome to come claim a night out on the piss at our expense down the Social if you can punch us awake...

1. Lovefoxxx from CSS (if you’ve seen or heard her, this needs no explanation)
2. Super Hans from Peep Show (what do you mean he’s fictional?)
3. Nicky Wire (mainly for making “I Killed The Zeitgeist” then splitting up with himself rather than do any more gigs to promote it)
4. The Rev, Towers Of London (‘Most people refer to me as THE Rev’)
5. The guy who plays Omar off The Wire (mainly for being in “Trapped In The Closet”)
6. R Kelly (for “Trapped In The Closet”, obviously - still doing it)
7. Gruff Rhys (for ‘Candylion’ and the proposed SFA classical album)
8. Perez Hilton (hello fruits!)
9. Pete Fowler (for Monsterism, Menstasm and Soft Focus)
10. Dean Gaffney (mainly for ‘I’m A Celebrity…’)
11. David Gest (mainly for his New Year’s Eve spectacular)
12. David Cross (for Dr Tobias Funke & performing the Bank Of America dude’s song with Johnny Marr)
13. The Bank Of America dude (for pre-empting the above by writing that song)
14. Vincent Gallo (for the cover of Purple Fashion mag, where he does a photo shoot entirely in drag for no real reason – the maternity wear bit is particularly good)
15. The singer of Circulus (for general service to Witchcraft and leather jerkins)
16. Sebastian Horsley (for getting himself booted out of the Observer for talking about giving and receiving blow jobs)
17. The drummer of The Magic Numbers (Charles Manson/serial killer chic is in, we’re told)
18. Kat Von D off ‘Miami Ink’ (new LA based series coming soon!!)
19. Mark Brandon ‘Chopper’ Read (as always)
20. The House Of Lords, The Young Knives (‘nuff said)
21. The dude out of Spank Rock (deserves it for “Bump” alone)
22. Cat Power (mainly for making recovering from alcoholism sexy)
23. Joanna Newsom (thankfully no longer annoying, great attitude, great record)
24. Bill Drummond (for November 21st No Music Day – actually, why stop there?)
25. Andrew Stockdale, Wolfmother (met NME in Paris with a bottle of whisky and a picture of Bon Scott, demanding to vist Jim Morrrison’ grave)
26. Boris Johnson (who needs a reason to put this fruitcake in there???)
27. The Mighty Boosh (do they count as one person?)
28. Jade's PA, whoever that may be (what a show!)
29. Stella Vine (for genius paintings of Preston & Chantelle and Otis Ferry)
30. Jamie T
31. Tim Smith, Midlake (more miserable than Yorkie Boy)
32. The drummer From Muse
33. Banged Up Abroad (More please!)
34. The Turncoat
35. Peter Perrett (Vodaphone now paying for his habit!)
36. JJ
37. David Wrench
38. Lauren’s Booth/Laverne/Harries
39. Gary Powell (still doing it)
40. Ian Astbury (Comeback Of The Year and, thankfully, still an honorary Door)